¿Puedo tutearlo?

The use of 'tú' or 'usted' takes some understanding, and causes some fear about getting it wrong and giving offence. Once, it was easy: "Usted is the only word with which persons address and are addressed in ordinary conversation in Spanish", states an old manual. Since then, the world has become a friendlier place (yes), and the familiar form is more the norm.


Is it after the first kiss?

Many of us have difficulties. Here are some comments from the wordreference forum.

"I translate romantic novels from English into Spanish and it is very tricky to find the moment when the boss and the secretary or the doctor and the nurse switch from usted to tú. Is it after the first kiss? Is it before?" (Mary Solari)

In much of Latin America it's different again: 'ustedes' is used even with family members; 'vosotros' is seldom used. And in some parts, 'vos' replaces 'tú', and 'tú' is used with people merely known.

Consequently, South Americans worry about their reception in Spain:

"I never learned 'vosotros' and mis amigos madrileños laugh at me when I speak to them in 'Uds' ... I wonder, if I ever move to Spain, will I have to learn it? Will I pick it up naturally? Will people forgive me and know I learned my Spanish on this side of the Atlantic?"(Lisa)

Mary Solari replies:

"Don't worry, Lisa, I had never used vosotros in my life and have adopted it very easily since living in Spain."

Maeron:

"I asked some Spanish friends about this, and they said it doesn't sound so strange to them that we call them Uds. because they are acquainted with it from watching Latin American telenovelas."

No hay nada malo

As we no longer use 'ye' in English, we often have to explain when we mean a plural 'you', not a singular. Ambiguities can also arise in Spanish with the forms of 'you':

El director general de un banco se preocupa por un joven director estrella, quien después de un período de trabajar a la par de él, sin parar nunca a almorzar, empieza a ausentarse al mediodía.

Así que llama al detective privado del banco y le dice: "Siga a López un día entero, no vaya a ser que ande en algo extraño."

El detective cumple con el cometido, regresa e informa:
"López sale normalmente al mediodía, toma su auto, va a su casa a almorzar, luego le hace el amor a su mujer, se fuma uno de sus excelentes cigarrillos y vuelve a trabajar."

"¡Ah, bueno!, ¡menos mal!, no hay nada malo en todo eso."


"Puedo tutearlo, señor?" pregunta el detective.

"Sí, como no", responde sorprendido el director general.

"Repito: López sale normalmente al mediodía, toma tu auto, va a tu casa a almorzar, luego le hace el amor a tu mujer, se fuma uno de tus excelentes cigarrillos y vuelve a trabajar."

Vuestra merced

'Usted' derives from 'vuestra merced' (literally your mercy), meaning your grace, your honour, your worship, or your highness (though a king is addressed 'su alteza'); and is voiced in the third person. 'Vuestra merced' was first used in colonial times and has evolved down through many forms to 'vusted', then 'usted'; abbreviated 'Vd.' or 'Ud.' (Some say the evolution has continued, through 'usté', to 'u'té'!)


Which to use

More from the wordreference forum:

"Usted nowadays is just a polite form that you use to talk to someone you do not know, to someone who is much older than you, to talk to someone showing respect. If you want to go one step farther, you can ask 'puedo tutearlo?', and if the person agrees, you can start using 'tú'."

Alternatively, you can ask them to 'tú' you: "Tutéame, por favor."

Or you can heed the old Yorkshire advice to follow the person you're talking with: "Thee thou them as thou's thee, and not afore."


For a full explanation in Spanish of the use of the forms 'tú' and 'usted' see this page on Protocolo y Etiqueta, where there's lots of valuable advice on correct behaviour in Spain.

There's a 'Notes from Spain' podcast on the subject of tu and usted.

Joke from extrasensorial.com.
More info (in English): Formal and informal 'you'.

tutear, to address as 'tú' (regular '-ar' verb)

Main image: La Confianza ('Confidence') by Francisco de Goya.

Amor y deseo.

Is it love you feel, or is it desire?

Spanish philosopher José Ortega y Gasset explores the difference:

"Desiring something is, without doubt, a move toward possession of that something ('possession' meaning that in some way or other the object should enter our orbit and become part of us). For this reason, desire automatically dies when it is fulfilled; it ends with satisfaction. Love, on the other hand, is eternally unsatisfied.

Desire has a passive character; when I desire something, what I actually desire is that the object come to me. Being the center of gravity, I await things to fall down before me. Love, as we shall see, is the exact reverse of desire, for love is all activity. Instead of the object coming to me, it is I who go to the object and become part of it. In the act of love, the person goes out of himself. Love is perhaps the supreme activity which nature affords anyone for going out of himself [/herself] toward something else. It does not gravitate toward me, but I toward it."

In Spanish:

"Desear algo es, en definitiva, tendencia a la posesión de ese algo; donde posesión significa, de una u otra manera, que el objeto entre en nuestra órbita y venga como a formar parte de nosotros. Por esta razón, el deseo muere automáticamente cuando se logra; fenece al satisfacerse. El amor, en cambio, es un eterno satisfecho.

El deseo tiene un carácter pasivo, y en rigor lo que deseo al desear es que el objeto venga a mí. Soy centro de gravitación, donde espero que las cosas vengan a caer. Viceversa: en el amor todo es actividad, según veremos. Y en lugar de consistir en que el objeto venga a mí, soy yo quien va al objeto y estoy en él. En el acto amoroso, la persona sale fuera de sí: es tal vez el máximo ensayo que la Naturaleza hace para que cada cual salga de sí mismo hacia otra cosa. No ella hacia mí, sino yo gravito hacia ella."

If it is love you feel, then you'd best be prepared. These are the words of the Lebanese Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet:

"When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots
and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart."

In Spanish:

"Cuando el amor os llame, seguidlo.
Aunque su camino sea duro y penoso.
Y entregaos a sus alas que envuelven.
Aunque la espada escondida entre ellas os hiera.

Y creed en él cuando os hable.
Aunque su voz aplaste vuestros sueños,
como hace el viento del norte,
el viento que arrasa los jardines.
Porque, así como el amor os da gloria, así os crucifica.
Así como os da abundancia, así os poda.

Así como se remonta a lo más alto
y acaricia vuestras ramas más débiles,
que se estremecen bajo el sol.
Así caerá hasta vuestras raíces
y las sacudirá en un abrazo con la tierra.

Como a gavillas de trigo él os une a vosotros mismos.
Os desgarra para desnudaros.
Os cierne, para libraros de los pliegues que cubren vuestra figura.
Os pulveriza hasta volveros blancos.
Os amasa, para que lo dócil y lo flexible renazca de vuestra dureza.
Y os destina luego a su fuegro sagrado,
para que podáis ser sagrado pan en la sagrada fiesta de Dios.

Todo esto hará el amor en vosotros para acercaros al conocimiento de vuestro corazón y convertiros, por ese conocimiento, en fragmento del corazón de la Vida."

If you're avoiding love, you'd best beware:

"But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."

In Spanish:

"Pero si vuestro miedo os hace buscar solamente la paz y el placer de amor,
Entonces sería mejor que cubrierais vuestra desnudez y os alejarais de sus umbrales,
Hacia un mundo sin primavera donde reiréis, pero no con toda vuestra risa, y lloraréis, pero no con todas vuestras lágrimas."

Estudios Sobre el Amor by José Ortega y Gasset, translated into English by Toby Talbot.
El Profeta, The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, translated into Spanish by Halet Soleiman Bahadur.

Available to read online:
The Prophet.
El Profeta.

Image: from Le Jeu de Colin-Maillard ('Blind-man's buff') by Francisco de Goya.